Why I’ve Been Absent


I’ve been away from words. At a loss, perhaps.

I had the most amazing trip to Vancouver, where I got to meet three women I really admire and visit an old friend. All with my husband and best friend by my side. It was really a dream

Upon arriving home, my husband’s grandfather was hospitalized. The prognosis wasn’t good, though regardless we spent many hours at his side at the hospital. Last week, Grandpa Mike passed away.

When I talk about grandparents, many people I think don’t really understand me. I try to explain. Growing up, both sets of my grandparents lived within metres of my childhood home – one set across the alley, another down the street. I spent more time with them some days than I did with my parents or siblings. They were a gift to my childhood.

So far, I have buried three of them. One is ill now, but doing well.

My first husband lost two grandparents when we were together – two people who I truly cared for dearly.

Grandpa Mike was a last chance at a grandfather for me – and great-grandfather for my son, who never got to know any of his. My son adored Grandpa. I adored him. And he adored us. My son always had a gift or trinket he wanted to give Grandpa. I always had a hug, and a kiss.

When my husband and I were married – us both coming together from previous marriages – Grandpa said he never thought he’d kiss another bride. My grandfathers never got to kiss me at my wedding. They never got a chance to meet the man, and his children, who have become my life.

So when I say I’ve been absent because my husband’s grandfather passed away, I don’t feel like it really encapsulates what I’m feeling.

I said recently that it feels like every time someone we love passes away, we re-live the grief we’ve felt before.

Right now, I feel an aching heaviness for Grandpa. And for my grandfathers and grandmother. And for my husband. Our children. Our family. And for the future that will have us all reliving the grief we feel right now.

“Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die? But instead of saying all of your good-byes…”

Okay. I write none of this to make anyone sad. I want no one to re-live their own grief because I am living and re-living mine.

I only write this to say I’ve been thinking of you, and missing you. Because exciting things are happening. I’m watching you make them happen. If I’m really lucky, I get to make them happen too. But I’m thinking of you.

And I’ll be back soon.