How To Be A Twitter Jerk in 10.4 Easy Steps!

I recently gave you some tips to consider when using social media. Today, I’m going to focus on Twitter. Namely, how to make everyone hate you.

As I suggested, there is no magic bullet when it comes to engaging people on social media. And just because they follow you, doesn’t mean they actually give a damn about you. They might be too lazy to click the unfollow button, or concerned that if they did you’d be quick to do the same. If you’re sitting around the board table asking “how do we get more followers?” you’re asking the wrong question. And likely at the wrong table – try the Pied Piper Convention in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Their Medieval Institute has other great programming, too, and amazing wild boar hocks.

But if you’re content to count followers like Scrooge McDuck counted money, here’s some tips to be great at making your followers hate you.

1) Be a robot. Or hire robots to send robotic autotweets to new followers. Everyone loved R2D2, so get your very own to hurl canned content at people.

2) Better yet, spam followers immediately after they follow you, telling them to like you on Facebook, visit their website, or give you money. Clearly, if they’ve hit the “like” button, they’ve made an incredible commitment to you and your organisation. Hit them while they’re still reading the “Who’s Similar” list. Because in real life, you’d ALWAYS solicit a donation from the guy who happened to follow you onto the subway!

3) Buy followers. Go ahead! It’s super cheap. And no one will notice your count suddenly spike a few thousand. Everyone is sure to be impressed by the hoards of people reading 140 characters about your strategic planning board retreat. And thankfully no one has invented an app to test an account for fakers.

4) Don’t follow anyone. Ew. Those peasants? No. You’re here to be a trend setting, to be the voice of that thing you do/cure/don’t do/build/plant/feed/clothe.

5) Never respond to @s. Never, under any circumstance, should you ever acknowledge your followers. Collect them. Like bottlecaps or those dolls with the creepy glass eyes that blink.

6) Talk about yourself in a self-aggrandizing way. You are incredibly important. People should know.

7) Be vague. Use jargon. Better yet, use vague jargon. Integrated Flappitypants Giving Challenge. 

8) Let the intern handle it. They know all about the good things you guys are doing because it was clearly covered in your 30 minute orientation last week.

9) Use a bunch of fucking inappropriate language to describe inappropriate subjects. Like how you got fucking blitzed on tequila and barfed at the fundraising gala.

10) Twitter is a universe unto itself, so what happens on Twitter stays on Twitter. It isn’t a tool for finding real people to interact with. It should never be used to create real relationships.

Get followers. Ask them for money. Badda boom badda bing. 

Need some more ideas? Try tweeting pictures of every meal you eat, Youtube video you watch, or place you visit (EVERYONE WISHES THEY WERE A KING ON FOURSQUARE!) Auto-post all your Facebook content to twitter. Never tweet anything original (just retweets.) Only follow your friends (because the cool kid table on Twitter is the only table to sit at.)

I’m sure there’s more. But I’m exhausted from being so sarcastic.